Menu
PEACEFUL RELATIONSHIPS are a Non-Profit organisation run by JP Venter and Associates.
JP Venter is an Accredited Mediator and a Registered Psychologist.
He works with and obtains advice from various colleagues and organisations.
The PEACEFUL RELATIONSHIPS movement is an organization that wants to maintain and improve marriage relationships – with the focus on the Christian community in the Northern Suburbs of Cape Town. However, we are independent and not affiliated directly with any church and we provide services to people who may not be associated or referred by a church.
NUMBER OF DIVORCES IN 2023: 22 230
NUMBER OF CIVIL MARRIAGES IN 2023: 99 289
In 2023, 42% of divorces involved marriages of less than 10 years.
The median age for couples seeking divorce were 46 years for men and 42 years for women.
Although the factors above tend to be the most common causes from various studies, other important factors are:
Lack of Commitment (that is not the same as infidelity)
Incompatibility
Family Strains
Health and Mental Problems
Domestic Violence
Workaholism
Download these questionnaires, print them out and answer them individually. Afterwards compare and take the next step.
Relationship Health & Direction Checklist
Download as PDF or as Word Document
Is Counselling a Constructive Next Step?
Download as PDF or as Word Document
Divorce Decision-Making Questionnaire
Download as PDF or as Word Document
MAKE TIME FOR COMMUNCATION AND CONTACT.
Pick A Pattern! DIARISE YOUR DATES!
NB NB NB
Do not assume that having alone time will magically grow and maintain the relationship.
YOU HAVE TO PLACE THE FOCUS ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP!
Talk to couples who have long and happy marriages. Chances are they will tell you they MADE TIME FOR COMMUNCATION AND CONTACT. This is especially so once kids arrive. Just as much as they are a source of joy and a factor that binds couples together, they do drain time and energy from their parents. But in our busy schedules of today we can easily fall into patterns where we do not focus on our relationships. Even being together and watching a movie may still mean couples can live quite past each other without realising it.
So couples need help to schedule alone time where the agenda will be the relationship and nothing else. That is where the help of family, friends, neighbours and child minders can come in
There are several ideas of patterns that couples can follow to schedule such time.
Pick A Pattern! DIARISE YOUR DATES!
Don’t just SAY you want to spend more time together DO IT! That means you have to actually PUT IT IN YOUR DIAIRIES! And those dates should be JUST AS IMPORTANT AS ANY OTHER WORK OR OTHER SOCIAL COMMITMENT.
THE 2-2-2 “RULE” has been around in public space and we suggest it is a very practical pattern:
EVERY:
2 WEEKS – a date night
2 MONTHS – Weekend away
2 YEARS – a week vacation.
NB: Find your OWN pattern. Another pattern suggested by Dr Bruce Lee is the so-called 7-7-7 Rule: A date every 7 days, A night away every 7 weeks, and every 7 months a holiday of at least a few days. (Psychology Today, July 2024).
Focus on the MOMENT. Talk about what you are both experiencing NOW: Look for the positives: Maybe the Food, the Nice environment, the beautiful sunset, how handsome/pretty your partner looks, how nice they smell, her nice dress, his catchy T-shirt.
FOR THE MEN: It is about how you make her FEEL, not how much you impress her. Help her to enjoy the moment. She wants to know about YOU, not your accomplishments only. Tell her what makes you happy, joyful or feeling fulfilled at this point in your life. ASK her the same questions: My love, what makes you happy/joyful/ feeling fulfilled at this point in your life?
FOR THE LADIES: He needs to feel OK about himself. Tell him what he means to you, what you appreciate about him, do you notice his efforts to provide (?), do you appreciate the way he treats you, how he deals with the kids, how he cares for the house?
FOR BOTH OF YOU: SHARE 3 THINGS THAT YOU LIKE/APPRECIATE/ADMIRE ABOUT EACH OTHER.
Talking about things that one would see as more negative may be something your relationship need even more at this point. It is risky though and it may have bad outcomes. It depends on the couple, their maturity and ability to talk and deal with difficult subjects. As “dates” are supposed to be fun, it may be best to make a special date where you take stock of your relationship and then share some aspects that may require attention or work.
THIS MAY BE THE OPPORTUNITY TO FIND ASSISTANCE. IF YOU NEED TO TOUCH ON ONE OF THE SUBJECTS BELOW BUT FEEL YOU OR YOU PARTNER NEED SOME HELP PLEASE FIND ASSISTANCE AT THE “SUPPORT” TAB.
FOR THE MEN: We find something tragic about relationships: Men often feel they need to hide something away from their partners: It sounds something like this: “If she knows this about me she will lose all her respect for me.” It is a pity that often THIS IS MAY BE THE VERY THING THAT SHE ACHES TO SHARE WITH YOU. She may already be noticing that something is “off” with you and may have the wrong idea about the cause of it – even incorrectly thinking that she may be the reason or something about her is causing distress for you. Or more likely she will feel excluded and that you do not trust her enough to share your personal feelings and distress with her. For instance: Are you bullied at work, do you feel incapable or overwhelmed by something in your life? Do you worry about a retrenchment coming up, do you despair that you are not going to ever get the promotion you feel you deserve but no-one else sees it? Even a mishap you had with an extramarital encounter. However, these things require wisdom. You may not feel able to share it – or you may rightfully worry your partner will not handle it well. That is where professional assistance may assist you do deal wisely with it.
FOR THE LADIES: Ladies more often than men, file for divorce. Their partners are often quite surprised when they get the divorce papers! Women may feel they are supposed to support their husbands and in return they should receive the love and affection they deserve. This is often not the case and ladies may feel neglected – while their husbands are busily trying to support the family and may be somewhat oblivious about their wives’ distress. The following are hints: Talk about your feelings of neglect or hurt: “I felt neglected/hurt when that happened.” “I feel insecure about this situation” We suggest ladies should make their needs known more clearly – So talk about your needs for affection, reassurance and support. OR need for some space to work through things or for “time off” from family obligations. It may also be that you feel disregarded or disrespected. Set some boundaries. Be clear about what behavior you feel is not acceptable, how do you expect to be treated, how do you think you should be involved in finances or important decisions.
Contact a church for pastoral help or for referrals:
https://www.capechurch.org.za/4/directory/listall.php
Christian-based Marriage Enrichment Program:
https://www.facebook.com/crosspointfamilyconsultants/videos/698164405459186
Hope House Counselling Centre:
https://hopehouse.org.za/
Registered Psychologists and Counsellors:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/za/counselling/western-cape?category=couples-counselling
Family Mediation Services:
https://www.socialjustice.org.za/
PEACEFUL RELATIONSHIPS are a Non-Profit organization from JP Venter and Associates.
JP Venter is an Accredited Mediator and a Registered Psychologist. He works with and obtains advice from various colleagues and organizations.
Main Focus: The PEACEFULRELATIONSHIPS movement and organization that wants to maintain and improve marriage relationships – with the focus on the Christian community in the Northern Suburbs of Cape Town. However, we are independent and not affiliated directly with any church and we provide services to people who may not be associated or referred by a church. A special focus area are those relationships where there are children involved. In fact, the main reason for our existence is to endeavor to prevent or to mitigate the negative impact of broken parent relationships on children. A secondary reason for our existence is that we deem happy and fulfilled marriages to be the cornerstone for healthy and better functioning communities. The name “Peaceful Relationships” do not imply there is no disagreements or conflict. The referral to peace means that differences and conflict are dealt with and processed – so the ideal outcome is loving and peaceful relationships.
Even when there are no children involved, or children have already left the household, marriage relationships remain an important focus for us. See Table and graphic below:
| RELATIONSHIP GROUP | FOCUS LEVEL* | ||
| MARRIAGE /LONG-TERM COMMITMENT | O | O | O |
| COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP | O | O | |
| SEPARATION | O | O | |
| POST-SEPARATION | O | O | |
| DATING | O | ||
| PRE-MARITAL / PRE-COMMITMENT | O | ||
Our approach is that prevention is better than cure. Therefore, a dating and pre-marital focus is also important as it would sometimes have been better for certain relationships not to have evolved into long-term commitments. And during these periods couples can learn how to ensure a lasting relationship. Or the timing for such a step may have been off. We provide suggestions regarding how to determine your readiness for a committed relationship. However, our main focus is where people have become committed and are married. Committed relationships – even the ones that starts of right and where partners really love each other – still require work and maintenance. So, the quest of “Peaceful Relationships” is to provide ideas and resources for those in a committed relationship.
If relationships run into trouble: Things may go wrong or may have gone wrong already. Therefore, we provide ideas and resources that may assist couples who are in trouble. And in line with our focus the resources we provided are within easy reach of the Christian Community in the Northern Suburbs.
Should couples decide that Separation is the way to go: If a couple decide that the best road is to separate – we also provide ideas and resources in this regard. In general, we suggest that couples should first try mediation. Even for contested divorce matters, mediation is possible. And those who have been separated for some time may still require things like adaptation of parenting plans. For that we also provide ideas and resources, or we may provide pro-bono (no cost) mediation services.
Opening Hours:
Monday – Friday 8am – 5pm
Address:
© Copyright 2021 JPV Industrial Psychologists | Designed by Frilans Designs
